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When I Was Younger...

For the first five years of my life it was all pretty simple. I had a mom, a dad, a big sister and a big brother! I spent every day with my mom watching cartoons, Uncle Zeb and spending time with my mommie. Life was pretty great! Then a few surprises hit... First Mom and Dad were fighting all the time and I could never understand why. Then I found out my Mom was going to have a baby, I had mixed emotions about that. Did I want a little baby brother or sister to compete for my mom's attention? I know I didn't think of it like that, but I know I was confused... Then this man ame into our lives who turned our safe little world upside down. He started controlling our lives, telling my dad what to do and how to do it. I didn't see it at first, I was just a little kid! But when my dad put our house up for sell and then threw away most of our toys, I knew things would never be the same. I don't know all the details. I know my mom lost that baby, then soon after became pregnant again, she had a boy. I was six by then. I love him and I didn't like him either. I gues I wasjealous, I don't really remember how I felt. I do remember I wanted to play with him all the time. Then only ten months later my mom gave birth to another baby boy. This one she almost lost, he was premature and she ended up having to have a hysterectomy afterwards. That was a very odd time. I remember sometime in between the two boys we went to Alaska with this 'man' and his family. He had an older daughter that we did not get to know, she ran away from home and stuf. He also had two boys. Their ages were the same as my big sister and brother. We drove from Tulsa, OK thru Kansas, Nebraska, S. and N. Dakotas into Canada and over to Canada's west coast and took a fairy to Alaska. That was awful. I remember we saw some really cool stuff, like Mt. Rushmore, and some caverns, and other beautiful sites, but that 'man' I mentioned, he was in complete control. If he said "jump", daddy said "how high?". I remember in Alaska he backed my mom into a telephone boothyelling and threatening her. I remember screaming and crying and I remember him threatening her that if she didn't shut me up, he would. I remember the look on his face and his finger, with the gold ring, pointing at me. I remember sometime after mom had the second boy, that man came and took him away from us. I remember the day my mom brought him home from the hospital that 'man' came to our house and took away that baby. I will never forget that day. I will never forget the tears my mom cried every day after that. For years my mom cried for that baby. Soon after he took my brother my dad moved out of our house. I remember at the divorce hearing I wasn't old enough to go inside, so I had to sit right outside the doors all by myself. My dad came out and promised me that he would always be there for me and that he would never leave us. That turned out not to be true. It wasn't his fault. It was that 'man's' fault. I know that now, but then, I did't know and I told myself I didn't care. Oh we would see him every now and then. I remember one Christmas when he showed up and brought me a bike, brought my little brother a red wagon and he brought two necklaces with cross pendants. One was made with diamonds and the other with opals. He let my sister choose first and she chose the diamonds, of course! so I got the opals. I still have that cross. Unfortunately I have lost a few of the stones. I was only eight. I was happy to see him, but also confused. I remember my mom crying every night. I didn't like leaving my mom alone in a room because I never wanted her to feel lonely. I always thought she was crying because she was lonely. She worked hard. I know at times she was working three jobs! We moved so many times. First we moved to a nice little house, but mom couldn't afford it, so then we moved in with my grandma. She had a little duplex and she lived on one side and we lived on the other. It had one bedroom a kitchen, a bathroom with only a shower, and a living room. Mom slept on the couch and my sister and I slept on the bottom bunk and my big brother on the top bunk. I don't remember where my little brother slept. Then we moved into a nice little duplex with three bedrooms. Mom had her own room and the girls shared a room and the boys shared a room. That house was nice. She just couldn't keep it up. then we moved in with my grandma again. That time the boys slept on the bottom bunk and the girls on the top. Mom and Grandma got into a fight and we ended up living in the car for a while. That was only temporary. Mom had some friends and one of them helped us get into a special place called the widow's colony. It was a place where divorced or widowed mothers of two or more could live rent and utilities free and get on their feet.





And Now...

Well, now I have three children of my own. I am married, but it seems my marriage is going to come to an end soon too. I don't have a career, but I intend to find one. When I was a kid I remember hearing ladies say that they had 'lost' themselves when they got married. I knew what they were saying, but I didn't really understand until recently. I am not the same woman I was before I met my husband. I do not have a lot of regrets in my life, but I would have to say that my biggest is that; losing my identity. Not knowing who I am now is keeping me from doing and being. I don't like that feeling. So I ask myself if I have to leave my marriage in order to find myself again! Is that the only answer. Sometimes I think it is... I know how he gets when I become more like the old me. He acts like I am going to cheat of him again. He thinks that if a person cheats once, then they are likely to do it again. I really do not believe that. I could never hurt him that way again. But I guess I deserve what I get. I brought it on myself, right? But then, maybe he was getting what he deserved when I cheated on him. And anyway, was it really cheating? We weren't married and I had left him before anything ever happened! Oh well, by his standards it was cheating. That's all he will ever know. He can't grow, he rarely listens and so there is no room for growth there. He just putters along in his own little world. Trying to get everyone else to live by his standards. I guess that's my answer. I can't live by his standards, so I guess I need to let it go. Scratch that, let him go. That's the only way I think he will ever be happy.